The Last Level of Cutesy Crap
A slightly bizarre ab/dl fan-fiction of Disgaea…
The characters in this story are based on characters in the PS2 game “Disgaea : Hour of Darkness.” Character copyrights belong to Atlus, a registered trademark of Atlus U.S.A., Inc. All rights reserved. Please don’t sue for my harmless fan fic.
A little background:
For those who have not played the PS2 game, or are in need of a refresher of the basic story, here is a little something something for you.
The benevolent Overlord of the Netherworld, Krichevskoy (Kree-chevs-koy), died unexpectantly, having choked to death on pretzels. In line for the throne behind him was his only son Laharl (La-har-ral).
The would-be-overlord was unaware of his father’s passing however, because he was taking a nap. It wasn’t until his vassal Etna woke him (by shooting him in the face) that he discovered the hard truth. Now Laharl must set upon an adventure to reclaim the thrown of the festering hell pit that is rightfully his.
is self-centered to the extreme and is a true believer in the monarchy
system. The way he sees it, he’s on top and everyone else is under him.
With this ideal, he is strengthened by his vassals, some loyal, others
not, but he works hard to be a good ruler over them. He does have
weaknesses though… He can’t stand the words “love,” “kindness,” and
anything cutesy or sexy (demons don’t understand cutesy or sexy).
is Laharl’s top vassal. She’s cute, sassy, likes long walks on the
beach, and ripping zombies apart to reassemble them later (she has
special issues). Etna remains loyal to Laharl, and has vowed to his
father to guide him to be a great Overlord of the netherworld, or blow
his head off and sit on the throne herself, whatever works.
Flonne is an angel trainee sent from Celestria to assassinate Krichevskoy. Her mission was discovered by Laharl and she learns from him that she is too late and that his father Krichevskoy is already dead. Flonne is moved to tears to find that Laharl is an orphan now (even though she would have made him an orphan had his father been alive). She also discovers Laharl’s hatred for love and kindness, and being the champion of those two virtues that she is, she takes it upon herself to remain in the netherworld in order to see if demons have a heart. Laharl refers to her as the “love freak” and wishes she’d go away (although the angel never leaves the demon’s side).
Okay that’s enough explaining. On with the story!
– CS Fox.
It took exactly eight hours and fifteen minutes to persuade the dark senate into passing a law that would open the gate to the Human world. The demonic senators from every political faction and party turned out in record numbers to vote unanimously against the young Laharl, Lord of the Netherworld.
When the voting began and every hand went up against him, a new motion which caused those hands to be cut/bitten/or stomped down, was carried and by the end of the session, the law passed on a vote of 1 to 0. All just a regular day in the netherworld of politics.
But today, Laharl’s actions would not go unpunished, or at least so thought a handsome man with long white hair.
“He’s going to be here soon, so I better hurry this up!” Mid-Boss said with bated breath. His hands flew over the feeders as he attempted to change the palace portal.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA” he laughed to himself as he saw a purple color begin to swirl into the outer layers of the portal. It looked just like he’d dropped food coloring into a flat screen of water, contaminating it. “It’s done! Maybe this will teach them to be nicer!” He chuckled rubbing his hands together vigorously.
Hearing movement, he skittered off. He didn’t want to be caught in the act now that the survivors of the senate meeting were leaving. His presence wasn’t completely unnoticed, as some of the servants and vassals milling around the palace recognized him and probably saw what he had been doing. But truth be told they were all too busy plotting their own charming ways to kill Laharl to do anything about it.
Laharl was in high spirits. He shouldered his sword and smiled; he loved violent politics. Turning to his two main subordinates, Etna and Flonne he laid out his newest plan.
“Let’s get to the human world. Now that it’s open I want to expand my domain!”
Etna smiled and pulled her spear seemingly out of nowhere, sharpening the tip. Killing humans instead of demons might be a welcome change of pace. “No time like the present,” she said happily.
“Do you really think it’s necessary to kill all the humans?” Flonne asked putting a finger to her lips and looking up at the ceiling, as if someone had written the answer on the grungy stone up there.
“Maybe not all of them… but if I am to be their Lord, I must have allegiance. Those that won’t bow to me will certainly need to die.”
Flonne thought some more and toyed with her angel wings. “But… isn’t that murder? I mean demons and monsters kill each other all the time, but humans aren’t supposed to do it. That’s what the other angels back in Celestria always told me any way.”
“Flonne… Do you like baby seals? And baby lions and other cute critters?” Etna asked.
“I love them!” She exclaimed, not having to even think about it.
“They kill baby seals on earth,” Etna said turning to her.
“WHAT!?” Fire erupted in Flonne’s eyes. “Kill all the humans!” She roared as she took out her bow with matching heart arrow pack.
The three demon mod-squad came up to the palace portal and found the gatekeeper looking a little charred and beaten up. She was half elf and currently looked more like a burnt pot roast.
“What happened to you?” Laharl asked, feeling a little concerned about one of the few vassals he had that actually did something useful.
“I voted against you.”
Etna laughed and Laharl shrank away. He could get a little carried away with his senate appearances. “Well just open the gate; after today’s meeting you know where I want to go.”
The elfin girl looked at the gate and then at Laharl. The gate was open wide enough for a freaking parade to march through it.
“That may take a while your majesty,” she replied straight faced.
“What? Why? The damn gate is wide open!”
The girl didn’t take her eyes off Laharl. “Is it? I thought you just said you wanted me to open it?”
Etna started laughing again. Laharl drew his curvy demon sword and pointed it at the elfin girl. She didn’t flinch, she just glared at Laharl.
Flonne stuffed a muffin in Laharl’s mouth and Etna (still laughing) kicked him through the portal. The two girls jumped in after him.
Laharl, Etna and Flonne landed with a dull thud. It was dark and creepy wherever they’d landed. Usually that’d be nice, but not when they were supposed to land on a sunny planet full of shops and fat humans. Something was wrong.
“Okay, where did that portal flunky send us this time?” Laharl asked as he tried to untangle himself from the girls.
Etna rubbed her arm as she got up. “Beats the heck out of me…”
“Smells nice,” Flonne added with her usual cheery optimism. Laharl paid no attention to her as he sheathed his sword and opened his palm to create a small ball of light to better illuminate his situation.
They seemed to be in a courtyard of some type. Etna stepped up and offered the tip of her spear. Laharl let the little ball jump to it and orbit in a floating circle around its tip.
“I don’t think this is Kansas,” Flonne said looking into the dark. She pulled nervously at the hem of her dress. She was wearing her usual short white dress with blue trim. It didn’t seem appropriate in the dark setting.
Etna had her spear held high, the little ball of light circling the tip. She looked right at home wearing her small leather training bra and skorts. Her piked tail swished behind her as she curiously tried to decipher their location.
Laharl toyed with his cape. Besides his red shorts, the only thing he had on was his long red scarf-like cape (it was all he ever wore, he was confident in his manly, albeit boyish, chest). Satisfied he looked to the girls.
“Where do you think we are?” Etna said swinging her spear around. Laharl had to duck as it went by, and again on the return trip.
Flonne stood on her tippie toes to get a better view (but not really accomplishing anything). “I don’t think this is Kansas…”
“Shut up about Kansas!” Laharl yelled. His voice seemed to wake something. There was the noise of movement nearby. The three of them jumped around in a panic. The girls clutched to each side of Laharl as he drew his sword and held it up shakily. “Whoo..who’s there?” He said, feeling the trio shake as one. There was no reply, just a snickering in the darkness.
Etna pointed her spear forward. Its little floating orb of light didn’t find anything to illuminate.
“I was wondering if anyone would ever come visit…” Said a strange voice from the shadows.
Etna and Flonne increased their grip on Laharl to the point of cutting off circulation to his arms. He shook them off and took a step forward, finding a little courage.
“I’m Laharl! The overlord of the Netherworld!” Laharl called out. “And I claim this land under my domain!”
“So you want this place?” The voice called back.
“That’s what I said… I want it all.”
“You want it all?” The voice asked with an almost entertained sound.
Laharl was starting to lose his patience. “Show yourself, so I can kill you and take over this land.”
Brilliant lights replaced the darkness. Laharl, Etna and Flonne covered their eyes which had adjusted to the darkness now gone. They were indeed in a courtyard. In front of them stood a white castle trimmed with pink.
“Welcome to Nursery Land!” Read a now glowing sign.
As their eyes re-adjusted to the light, they could make out what it was that suddenly burst out of the night in front of them… they almost couldn’t believe it. Flonne clasped her hands together and stared on with stars in her eyes while Etna burst out laughing.
“Lord of Nursery Land!!!” She giggled.
Laharl dropped his sword and started to step slowly backward. It was a horrible cutesy nightmare.
As he backed up, he backed into something. He jumped around to find three Nekomata’s smiling at him. Laharl fell backwards and groped around for his sword, but before he could grab it, one of the large cat-woman like creatures picked him up and had him over her shoulder.
Etna stopped laughing and watched on in disbelief. Her lord had just been carried off by a half human/half cat demon. Before she could react, one of the other Nekomata’s picked her up much the same way it had Laharl and followed the first.
Flonne kept the stars in her eyes, and as the last Nekomata approached, she grabbed its hand. The creature looked at her suspiciously, but seeing a smile on Flonne, smiled back and they skipped ahead with the other two.
Laharl began a long continuous cry of distraught. Entering the horrid land, there were singing, dancing, cutesy animals everywhere. Every building was painted a light pastel color. All the Nekomata’s carrying him and his companions were cute and it was.. it was everything he hated! It was his worst nightmares come true.
He did everything he could to get away. His mind skipped pass go, and went straight to irrational panic, like a dog being taken to bath. The Nekomata walked a little funny trying to control and restrain the young lord she carried.
“You’r going to have so much fun here Laharrrrrl!” She said happily with a purr. “My name’s Bastet!”
Etna was beating her fists into the back of her Nekomata. “I’m Elbacky!” It said with a smile, seeming not to notice.
Flonne smiled and looked at her Nekomata, “I’m Flonne! Angel trainee!” She said happily.
“I’m Kit Cat!” Her Nekomata said, still skipping along with her. “Welcome to Nursery Land!”
And so it was that Laharl, Lord of the Netherworld, was being carried like a child over the shoulder of the rather bubbly Bastet. She looked human in every respect, with a lock of mousy brown hair tied in a pony tail streaming down her back. The only real difference was that like other Nekomatas, she had furry triangular ears on top of her head, and a tail coming out the base of her spine. She also had a problem with slurring some of her vowels in a purr, but it’s not something you can really hold against someone half feline.
Bastet patted Laharl on the back, trying to calm the screaming young demon lord. He was upset because he was being, as he claimed, kidnapped. He was probably also upset because the scenery was absolutely vile to his tastes and nothing what he had been expecting to find when stepping through the portal.
“Do you have any idea what I’ll do to you when I get free?!” Laharl yelled while beating his fists into her back and kicking his legs somewhere on the front side of her. Bastet didn’t seem to respond to his physical protests but purred happily to his words.
“You’ll cuddle me and be my little frrrriend?” she asked in a giggly purr.
“ARRRGGHH!” Laharl screamed. “I’ll kill you and all hairballs like you!”
Right behind him, a similar cry was let out by Etna, his loyal vassal. Etna had a pointy little devil tail and was doing her best to poke angrily at her captor, a Nekomata named Elbacky. Elbacky smiled and swatted playfully at the tail with her open hand.
“Hehe, you’re a feisty little girrrrly bat.”
“I’m not a bat!!” Etna cried.
“Then why do you have wings?”
“I’m a demon! Some demons have wings, now put me down! Let me go!”
Elbacky continued walking up the pretty pink path ignoring Etna’s demands. “Don’t worry little dearrrr, we’re almost there. We’ll have you, your cute wings and even your frrrriends all ready for playtime.”
“Laharl! This is your fault! Stupid landgrabbing lord of the Netherworld! I’ll get you for this.”
“You won’t either, we’ll kill them all as soon as I can get away from this.”
Elbacky and Bastet walked happily up the path to the bright pastel painted Nursery house. It’d been so long since they’d had company. Somewhere far behind them was the last Nekomata, Kit Cat, and her new friend, Flonne, the angel trainee.
“So tell me again what this place is?” Flonne said excitedly. To her, Nurseryland was absolutely gorgeous. She had even fallen a little bit behind because she had stopped to make a hoop of flame-red poppies to give to her new cat friend who wore them happily around the crown of her furry ears.
“This is Nurseryland little angel! We take care of anybody who needs to be taken care of here.”
“Umm… I don’t know if my friends want to be taken care of,” Flonne said as she looked ahead. She could see Laharl and Etna fighting like two bumble bees caught in a jar.
Kit Cat smiled. “I think they need to be cared for the most. It seems like they only have anger in their hearts.”
“Ooooh, that kind of care. Yes! They need lots of caring for in that case,” Flonne said, but stopped walking and looked up at Kit Cat.
Kit Cat tilted her head. “Mew?”
Flonne motioned with her hand to come closer to whisper something. “Laharl… he… he hates the idea of love,” she said.
Kit Cat gasped. “It’s lucky you all got here.” Flonne nodded. Together they both took hands and skipped up the pink path to the Nursery House.
“D…E…A…D! Dead! You hear me? All of this. I’ll turn it into a festering tourist attraction and then burn that to the ground too!”
“Oh pish posh,” Bastet said with a giggle. “You’re just grumpy… And you know what? I know the perrrrfect cure for grumpyness.”
There was a momentary pause in Laharl’s wild rants. “Well?”
“Well what’s the cure?”
“DEAD!! SOOoooooo DEAD! Gonna kill you all when I get…” And a pacifier was stuffed in Laharl’s mouth.
“Awww you look sooo cute now, meow yes you do! Magic pacifiers are part of the cure, but not the whole thing! Nope nope nope!” Bastet opened the door with her spare hand to the Nursery house and held it a moment so Elbacky could walk in with Etna.
“Thank you Bastet,” Elbacky said as she walked by. Etna, who was slung over Elbacky’s shoulder had her arms crossed and was glaring meanly at Bastet.
“Take that stupid thing out of his mouth. Laharl’s not as much fun when he’s quiet,” Etna argued.
“If he doesn’t have anything nice to say, I don’t see why she should.” Elbacky said to Etna, as she placed her on the ground. No sooner were her feet on the floor then she tried to dash for the door. Elbacky’s catlike reflexes grabbed onto her tail before she could get far.
“We can’t leave you alone for a second! Better not let down mr. Lordy either. Seems their both runners.” Elbacky said as she picked up Etna by the waist. Etna yelled angrily and kicked her feet once more to no avail.
Bastet carried Laharl to the side of the room. “Well mister cutie, since you said you wanted everything earlier, you’ll get it all. It’s time for my patented cure to grumpiness!”
There was a muffled angry yell and a wild scream but they were both suddenly cut short. The purr-accent in Bastet’s voice faded away as the most beautiful song came out.
“Come little children I’ll take thee away... Into a land of enchantment.”
The noises of Laharl and Etna washed away, as they were mollified by the song.
“Come little children the time’s come to play… here in my garden of magic,” Bastet took Laharl’s hand and like a puppy he followed as she led him into the back room. “Follow sweet children, I’ll show thee the way, you’ll be free of pain and sorrows... Weep not poor children for soon we’ll away, into the calm and of tomorrow.”
Flonne and Kit Cat finally reached the house and went in. Once inside, Flonne’s eyes turned to stars once more and she clapped her hands together joyously.
It was like a giant doll house! Everything was pretty and frilly and there was wonderful kiddy furniture and toys all around. There were the ABC’s and 123’s on the walls and big stuffed animals in the corner.
Kit Cat smiled seeing Flonne’s reaction. “Isn’t it great?”
“It’s more wonderful then I imagined!” She shouted cheerily.
“When people are sad… and upset… we try to cheer them up here! Sometimes, to really get away from your problems and worries, its fun to pretend to be a little kid again!”
“Is that what you meant by caring for people here?”
“Mmmmhhmm,” Kit Cat nodded. She began to hum softly.
Flonne noticed there was a little hallway leading toward another room in back. She started to walk down it and was met with a big surprise. Laharl and Etna were both being undressed by their Nekomatas, who were also humming.
“What’s happening?” Flonne asked, losing a little bit of that excitement she’d had a moment ago. Laharl and Etna both looked at her with pacifiers in their mouths. Their clothes were being removed and they weren’t making death threats… Something was very wrong.
“We’re getting everyone ready for playtime,” Bastet said as she took Laharl’s cape and folded it up.
“Yeah, come on lil’ angel, lets get you ready too!” Kit Cat said with a smile. Flonne walked with her over to a strange table like the one’s Etna and Laharl were next too. She stood kind of curiously as Kit Cat began to remove her shoes and get her ready for playtime.
“You’ll all have soo much fun here. Nursery land is so big and great,” Bastet said lifting Laharl onto the table. He was still in something of a daze. Bastet pushed him till he was laying down and she reached under the table for a few things. Etna was receiving an almost identical treatment, as was Flonne.
Flonne was a little more present, but still wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. As she tried to figure it out, Kit Cat started singing softly too her and things seemed to pleasantly solve themselves. A grin grew on her face and she hummed along as she was also lifted up onto her table.
Sometime later, Laharl awoke to an odd feeling. His body wasn’t in his usual velvet coffin, it was resting on some type of flannel blanket. Not only that, but it felt like there were other bodies pressed close to his.
Slowly he opened his eyes and let them adjust to the sunlight. His mind was a little foggy. What was he doing in sunlight? Sunlight was evil and didn’t shine any where in the Netherworld.
His eyes slowly adjusted and he was able see his surroundings. He was on a small blanket in the middle of a grassy field. He could also make out the forms of Etna and Flonne both pressed close to him. He jumped to his feet and shoved them both away with his foot. The nudge caused them to stir and wake up. It was at that moment that Laharl was able to register what everyone was wearing.
Etna was dressed in only a black babydoll nightie with an obviously thick diaper underneath. Her hair had been tied back by two black ribbons. Flonne was dressed in an identical outfit, only hers was white and her hair wasn’t tied back at all. Taking inventory of himself, Laharl found he was wearing the top half of a boy’s sailor suit and another thick diaper.
“What the #@)$%&$#*&%#$*&*#$&%*#!”
“Wow… haven’t heard language like that since the bile demon took a nap in your coffin,” Etna said stretching.
“Open your damn eyes and you’ll see why.”
Etna slowly opened her eyes and looked down at herself. “What in the name of bloody humans…?” She brought her hands down to the thick disposable diaper and started trying to undo the tapes… “I can’t get them off!”
Laharl started trying to do the same to his. “Mine either!” he looked around for his sword and panicked a little when he couldn’t find it. “My sword is gone!”
Etna looked up at Laharl and burst out laughing. “HAHAHAHAAHAHHAH sailor boy! Sailor boy!”
“Shut up! My sword’s gone and these diapers are magically strong or something!”
“Maybe you can shove off from port and get if fixed… hahah you look like that card captor reject.”
“I said shut it!” Laharl screamed as he dived onto Etna. They began to rumble around and Flonne finally started to wake up.
“That was such a pretty song…” Flonne said with a yawn. She heard the noise of battle nearby and saw Etna grappling with Laharl. She was flapping her bat wings and dragging them around, although not really lifting off the ground. She was also slapping him in the face with her piked devil tail. “Umm… Laharl… Etna? Why are you both in diapers?”
Etna took the opportunity to answer just as she planted Laharl’s face in the grass. “We’re..” she struggled with Laharl a little more, “not the…” she got a hand free and formed a ball of energy, “only ones…” she said blasting the ball of energy and Laharl about 20 ft. forward. He cut a small trench into the grass with his blast charred face, coming to a rest amongst the clump of upturned dirt.
Flonne looked down at her body and found that she was also dressed in a diaper. “Wow, heheh! It’s like we’re babies!” She said happily.
“WHAT?!?!?!?!?” Laharl yelled getting up from the grass. His face was ashen with the blast mark Etna had left, but shaking it twice, the ash fell away. “HOW IN THE WORLD COULD YOU THINK THIS A POSITIVE THING?!?” he barked.
Flonne was sooo spooked by his angry voice that she started to cry.
Etna rolled her eyes. “Oh he didn’t mean it, he’s just being a big monster right now.”
Flonne slowed her crying and looked at Laharl, sticking her tongue out. “Yeah, a big diapered sailor monster.”
Laharl’s eyes suddenly ignited with fire. “WHAT?!?” He put both hands forward and formed a beam of energy which he shot in Flonne’s direction. She flapped her angel wings and easily avoided the slow forming beam. She continued to stick her tongue out at Laharl.
“I can see your diaper from here,” Etna said with a smile as she looked up at Flonne who was floating around with her wings.
“You can?” Flonne asked nervously. She tried to pull her nightie down, but in doing so, lost her concentration and flapped only one wing instead of both and sort of started falling to the left. She yelped just before crashing into the dirt (and still exposing her diaper for all to see). Etna laughed while Laharl muttered “serves her right.”
“Well fearless leader,” Etna said walking up to Laharl. She smiled and patted his diapered ass, “what should we do now?”
Laharl sneered but composed himself. “First, we’ll find a way to get these ridiculous things off. Then we’ll kill whoever did this too us.”
Etna scratched her head with her piked tail. “Huh… now that you mention it, I can’t remember who did. I remember leaving your palace, but then… it’s sort of blank. Are we in the human world? I thought that’s where we were headed.”
“We’re in nursery land!” Flonne said excitedly skipping up to them.
Laharl’s face went blank. “Uh… in the quiet words of the human virgin mary… cum again?”
“Nursery Land! And the nekomata’s dressed us like this so we could play!” Flonne smiled from ear to ear and took in the scenery around them, while Etna and Laharl stood in open mouthed shock.
Laharl grabbed Flonne by the shoulders. “How come you know what happened and we don’t?” he demanded.
Flonne looked a little frightened but shrugged. “I dunno… But it’s what happened… How else can you account for where we are and how we’re dressed?”
“You certainly don’t seem to mind how we’re dressed angel-brat, maybe you did it too us?” Etna mused.
“That’s silly, where would I get stuff like this?” Flonne asked, doing a little twirl.
Laharl rolled his eyes. “Okay, it doesn’t matter… right now we need to get moving.”
“Lead the way admiral!” Etna said with a little salute. Laharl sneered, but didn’t start any fights over it in the interest of getting moving. The three of them set off to leave the grassy field they were on. A few hundred yards away they could see a tree line, and although unsure what direction to go, Laharl pretended he knew.
“Stay close,” Laharl said to the girls as they neared the trees. “There’s no telling what’s in this forest.”
“Are you and your diaper going to protect us?” Etna asked with a giggle. Laharl bit back a few choice words and grumbled as he pushed on ahead. Etna stopped giggling and tried to catch up with him, closely followed by Flonne, who rather seemed to be enjoying herself.
The trees in this forest weren’t dead like the ones from the netherworld. They were alive, perhaps too much so. There were lots of leaves, and small birds chirping and cheerily singing somewhere.
“I don’t think we have to worry about anything attacking us in this forest,” Flonne said as she skipped along. “This place is just too happy to be dangerous,” she ran to a few trees and randomly gave them a hug, “Everything’s so warm and pretty!” she giggled.
Laharl didn’t say anything and kept his guard up. This could all be a trick.
“Everything’s happy happy happy happy happy happy happy in nur-ser-ry land!” A fat blue bird started singing. It was like a rounded egg with wings and was sitting on a low branch nearby, tittering left and right as it continued its song. “Happy happy happy happy happy happy everything is just happy happy in nurse…”
And the fatty bird bounced up and off the branch as Larharl exploded the tree. He snarled angrily and got another bolt of energy ready.
“Happy happy happy happy even when trees are blowing blowing blowing uppy!”
The bird bounced up again as another tree exploded into flames, but before he could make it to another pirch, Etna had flown to his level and caught him in her hands.
“I got the annoying f***er!!” she said cheerily and she flapped her small bat wings and came back to the ground. Even with her hand covering its mouth, it continued to bop left and right, singing away in a mumbled voice.
“Hey, that’s not very nice,” Flonne warned as Etna landed next to her.
“Well he’s very annoying,” Etna said. Laharl approached angrily and got a small ball of fire ready in his hand. Seeing the fire, the bird began to sing a little faster behind Etna’s hand and frantically flap his wings.
“Lets talk… not sing… I need answers, and you need to live,” Laharl said very bluntly. Etna let her hand off of the birds beak for a moment and song burst out.
“Happy happy happy kinda sorta not really if bnirdy bird is cooked… happy happy happy if this birdy bird is let free!”
“Your song makes me happy happy happy happy…” Flonne started to sing before Etna’s pike tail quickly wrapped itself around her head and mouth. Laharl nodded his thanks.
“Singing isn’t going to help… now tell me, how do we get out of here? And where are the nekomatas?”
“Happy happy happy, but birdy doesn’t know, happy happy happy sailor boy should know…”
Laharl brought the little ball of flame and lit the bird’s tail on fire. Its wings flapped a little faster and its song once again picked up tempo. Etna let it go and like a little rocket it shot off and over the trees.
“That’ll make him happy happy happy…” Laharl said as he covered his eyes with his hand to watch the bird and its firey trail fly off. Flonne tugged at Etna’s tail till it unwrapped from her face. For the first time all day, she had a very deep frown.
“That was mean!” she said stamping a foot.
“Stuff it, we need to get out of here, and that was the best way to get information,” Laharl said not really taking the time to argue. He started walking after the bird.
“Where are you going?” Etna asked.
“Following the flaming bird… He’ll probably lead us somewhere helpful.”
“I hope he leads us off a cliff since we were see mean,” Flonne said still frowning. Etna and Laharl both rolled there eyes and continued walking ahead. Flonne continued frowning till she realized she was standing alone… she looked around, and even though everything was so bright and colorful, she didn’t like to be alone. “Hey… wait up!” she said hurrying ahead.
“Judging by the smoke trail, the bird went that way,” Laharl said keeping his eyes on the thin gray line above the tree tops. Thankfully the forest wasn’t so dense he couldn’t see through the foliage.
“Um.. hey Laharl, I’ve sort of got a problem…” Etna said a little nervously.
Laharl kept walking. “What is it?”
“I kind of need to go to pee…” Etna said with a blush, something a little uncommon for her.
“Well we’re in a forest, go pop a squat somewhere.”
“Hello, sailor boy…”
Laharl glared her way.
Etna lifted the black nightie that she was wearing. “Remember this thing that’s been crinkling since we woke up? The thing we’re trying to find out how to remove?”
Laharl lost his glare and suddenly looked down at his own diaper… seeming a little confused… “Oh crap… how are we supposed to take a leak?”
“Maybe you could pop a squat since we’re in a forest,” Etna said smugly.
“Babies go in their diapers!” Flonne said with a smile.
Fire suddenly erupted in the eyes of Laharl and Etna.
“…What?” Flonne said feeling the heat of their stares.
“Are you implying we’re babies?” Etna and Laharl said at the same time.
“Um… we’re dressed like them… right?” Flonne asked.
Laharl dropped a fist on Flonne’s head. She shut her eyes and let out a soft “ow.”
“Let’s hurry up and find a way to get these off, okay Etna?” Laharl asked. She nodded and they started moving again.
Flonne sobbed a little but continued after them, rubbing her head.
“Is this the right way?” Etna asked, looking up for the smoke trail. Laharl couldn’t see it anymore either.
“I don’t know, but we might as well head somewhere.”
The three of them came up to a clearing filled with flowers. Flonne immediately stopped rubbing her head and clapped her hands together in happiness.
Laharl started to talk, looking disgusted “It’s soo…”
“PRETTY!” Flonne said running out into the field of flowers. She giggled and let her hands bump on the various flowers gently swaying in the breeze. Laharl looked a little like he was going to throw up. Etna just shrugged and casually walked out into the field of flowers.
“They’re sooo pretty!” Flonne repeated. She bent down to sniff one that looked a lot like a daisy. As she did, her nose twitched a tiny bit and she suddenly stood back up and sneezed. No sooner had she finished when she got a far away look in her eye and started to cry softly.
Laharl and Etna looked at each other a little surprised and started to proceed towards Flonne cautiously.
“Umm… Flonne… everything okay?” Etna asked as they came closer. Flonne picked one of the flowers, and shoved it in Etna’s face.
“This flower made me wet my diaper!” Flonne sobbed. Etna’s eyes went wide for a second before she bent over in a sudden sneeze. She quickly righted herself and froze in place, wetting her diaper.
“DAMN IT ANGELBRAT!” Etna screamed quickly pulling her nightie down a little further. Laharl burst out laughing.
“Well that solves that problem!” He joked.
Etna frowned, and Flonne took a step or two away from her, drying her cheeks. “I… I think I need my diaper changed…” Flonne said lifting her white nightie and looking at her slightly yellow diaper.
“You and Etna both!” Laharl laughed harder.
Etna moved a hand behind her back and slowly started to gather a big ball of black energy there, “Keep laughing sailor boy,” she muttered under her breath.
Flonne looked at the flowers again, wondering how the pretty little things could do to her what they had. She didn’t really pay attention to the Hiroshima type explosion that sent Laharl flying back into the tree line. Etna came walking up to her with a satisfactory smile on her face.
Flonne leaned in a little closer to get a better look, but suddenly sneezed again. She pouted as she felt the second symptom begin to happen as well.
“I’ve heard of playing with fire and getting burned.. but playing with flowers and getting wet? This is ridiculous,” Etna said as she reached down and pulled Flonne up into a standing position. “Come one, let’s get out of this field. No telling what the other flowers around here do.”
Flonne nodded and they both walked over to Laharl, who was embedded in a tree trunk. Etna pulled him out by one of his legs and he brushed the dust off his body. The explosion hadn’t ripped or torn his sailor outfit or diaper, but they did look a little dirtier with grass and mud stains.
Laharl tried his best to maintain his laughter, lest he get Etna to blow away the entire forest.
They walked around the clearing, staying safely away from the flowers until they came upon a spot where there were no flowers, and up ahead they could see a small pink cottage.
“Let’s go check it out, maybe somewhere there can help us?” Flonne asked optimistically.
“I’m not trusting anything around here any more. I say we blow it up,” Etna said.
Laharl just shrugged. “What other things do we have to check out right now? I don’t really see the harm.”
And they walked on.
The Last Level of Cutesy Crap : LEVEL 2
As the trio got closer to the cabin, they could see something written to the right of the front door.
“Play… house?” Etna asked reading it.
Laharl shrugged his shoulders.
“I'm really leaning toward blowing it up,” she said.
“I wanna see what's inside!” Flonne frowned. Besides the fact that the cabin was her favorite color of pink, she really wanted to find someone to help her change her diaper. The idea of being a baby didn't really bother her, but the clammy wetness kinda did.
“If there's anything weird inside, we'll blow it up,” Laharl consented.
Etna flapped her wings and checked out the cabin from a little bit of a higher angle. “It's not very big, probably only a few rooms inside.”
Laharl saw a doorbell, just under the play house sign. Etna flew back to join Flonne and Laharl, and the three of them waited on the front doorstep as Laharl rang the doorbell.
As the bell rang, Laharl immediately regretted it; this was quite possibly the weirdest thing to happen to them yet.
Instead of a ding dong, music began to play, and not just any type of music. The pink front door opened wide and a well furnished room empty of life was before them. It was suburban hell.
The trio stood completely still, sort of shocked by the plucky music and doily strewn furniture. Laharl leaned toward Etna, “make it boom” he said out of the corner of his mouth. Etna was nodding and already crafting a ball of energy in her hands, but before she could finish; the welcome mat they were standing on yanked itself backward, causing all three of them to fall forward. Half in the door, the mat flew up behind them and whipped itself around, hitting the two demons and the angel on their padded rumps, and sending them inside the cabin. The door shut behind them.
Hunched over, and grabbing at their slightly sore butts, the three of them started to get up. The music was still playing, a bit louder then before.
“Our story begins just as dad was coming home from work at the big company.”
“Eeep!” Flonne said as she was suddenly hoisted rear first into the air by a magic force. Her clothes rearranged themselves and instead of a white nightey; she was suddenly wearing a man's business suit that was about 5 sizes too big. A fidora hat appeared out of nowhere on her head and a bushy black mustache taped itself under her nose. She landed a little unsteadily in front of the door. Looking herself over, her hands didn't make it out of the suit sleeves. She checked her shoulder and found her wings were still there, and upon lifting her coat tails, found that she was still diapered under the suit as well.
“Well that doesn't look ridiculous,” Laharl said scratching his head and staring at 'dad.' “Who the hell was that voice before anyway?”
“Dad was so glad to be at home, that he threw off his hat and heaved a big sigh of relief.”
“Who the hell is that!?” Laharl asked looking around. The three of them seemed really confused. Etna toyed with the idea of blowing the house up from the inside, but frowned when she found her powers weren't responding.
“Dad was so glad to be at home, that he threw off his hat and heaved a big sigh of relief.” the voice boomed.
Flonne suddenly smiled. “Oh I get it!” She took her hat off and threw it across the room; it spun in mid-air, boomerang-ing to a hat rack in the corner. Flonne let out a theatric sigh and stretched. “Oh! It is soo good to be home,” she said; giggiling in her business suit.
The music picked up again. “And the first thing dad always did when he came home was see his baby girl.”
Etna was suddenly picked up off her feet, and flown out of the room by her rear.
“OH HELL NO!!!” Etna screamed suddenly realizing what was going on. She fought, swore and flapped her wings, but to no avail. She disappeared into a back room.
“What the hell are you doing to me? Turn the light on, you can't... no no no, not in this...”
Laharl and Flonne looked at each other and at the doorway again, wondering just what the heck was happening.
“Daddy's baby girl came running to welcome dad home!” the voice said cheerily.
“Oh no she didn't!” yelled Etna from the other room. She made her voice a little deeper and tried to sound like the narrator. “Etna, beauty queen of the universe, hunted down the narrator and shoved a big spear up his...”
“Daddy's baby girl came running to welcome dad home!!”
Etna was suddenly shoved into the doorway. Her red hair had been tied back by two light purple ribbons, and she was wearing a matching baby dress that barely made it past her belly button. Her lower half was covered by an even thicker diaper and some ruffled bloomers.
“I'd sell my kingdom for a camera right now...” Laharl said. He had a fit of laughter creeping so close to completely taking over his body. Oh gawd, this was possibly the funniest thing he'd ever seen. The maniacal cackle broke out “HA HA HA HA HA HA.”
“Kawaii!!!” Flonne yelled clasping her hands together and lifting a leg up in a not so dad-like pose.
Etna willed her body to make a killer energy burst, but finding nothing responding the way her murderous instinct wanted... she frowned and held up two menacing middle fingers.
“Dad gave his baby girl a big hug.”
Flonne needed little encouragement. Whilst Laharl rolled around, hugging his sides and kicking his legs from laughing so hard, Flonne skipped up to Etna, “Awww my baby girl is sooo cute,” she said, nearly tripping over her suit. Etna turned and tried to run away, but much like a rampaging rhino; Flonne and her magnetic attraction to cute things could not be stopped.
“Dad's home!” Flonne said giving Etna a big hug.
“Get the hell off me angelbrat!!”
“Dad's baby girl was very cranky,” the narrator said.
“I'm not the baby girl!” Etna yelled.
“Dad's baby girl was probably cranky for good reason. Like most babies, she needed her diaper changed.”
Etna's mouth dropped. “But that wasn't my fault!” She told no one in particular. “Dad er.. Flonne... she's wet too!” Etna said pointing the finger of blame at dad... er Flonne.
Flonne gave Etna's diapered bottom a pat. “Aww baby's wet,” she said in a fake dad voice. She nodded and ruffled her mustache. “Baby needs a diaper change.”
“You need a change angelbrat! Let me go!”
“Dad had a very fussy baby to deal with, and he know that Mom would know just what to do.”
Up until now, Laharl had been living out some fantastically funny daydream... but the moment he began to float in the air and out of the room, he stopped laughing.
A stream of obscenities (the likes of which would make a grand netherworld anthem) spewed forth like verbal diarrhea. The foundations of the house shook with the unreal anger as Laharl disappeared into the kitchen.
Flonne was still hugging Etna, and the two of them were frozen in place, watching the doorway Laharl had just disappeared into.
You could feel actual heat coming from the other room. “I’ll kill you! I swear it! There’s no where you can hide, there’s no where you can run, I WILL KILL YOU!”
“It was mom's time of the month.”
“When I find you... whoever the hell y...”
“Mom came running to give dad a big hug!”
Laharl stumbled out of the other room. He was wearing an ankle length pink dress with a white frilly apron on over it. He stared in disbelief at himself; a blue haired homemaker.
Flonne and Etna burst out laughing.
“Dad and the baby were sure happy to see mom; Dad gave mom a big hug.”
Cue the barreling cuteness rhino.
“STAY AWAY!!!” Laharl shouted and held his arms out like barriers.
There is yet to be discovered an armor or defense in the universe to protect from... Flonne.
“I'm home honey!” Flonne said practically knocking Laharl over in a hug.
Laharl's body was very close to catatonic shock. Things had quickly moved from very funny, to poisonously revolting.
“But silly dad forgot something...”
Flonne let go of Laharl, “I did?”
“Dad wanted to tell mom that his baby girl needed her diaper changed.”
Flonne snapped her fingers and smiled. Enta cringed and jumped back. Flonne tweased at her mustache. “Our baby needs her diaper changed. Can you change her for me honey?” (And me too after) Flonne blushed, patting at the pants of her suit a little.
“SEVEN HELLS NO!” Etna spat.
“Baby was fussy again.”
“F@#$ YOU!” Etna cursed the ceiling.
Laharl raised an eyebrow at the whole situation. “A Demon Lord does nothing for his vassals… except maybe the occasional torturing. Baby can change her own diaper,” Laharl said, with a middle finger ovation from Etna.
“Mom told dad that she would take care of it.”
Laharl frowned and tried to tear at his dress. “What are you stupid? I’m pretty sure I just said the opposite,” he barked. He wasn’t having any success with his outfit… neither was Etna with hers, she could barely lift the hem of her dress up.
“Mom told dad that she would take care of it.”
Etna tried her narrator voice again. “Oops, cross dressing mom forgot that she already potty trained baby… who was really the beauty queen of the universe, and so she went to take care of herself in the bathroom.”
Etna turned and walked into the room she’d come from. She stomped out a second later. “No bathroom,” she said shoving past Laharl and trying the room he’d been in. One look and she turned around; crossing her arms. “But of course.”
“Mom told dad that she would take care of it.”
“Psst…” Flonne nudged Laharl. “The story can’t go on until you…”
“I’m not changing her diaper,” Laharl glared. Etna nodded her consent.
Flonne looked a little worried. This was kind of fun, but you had to play along, couldn’t they see that? She tried to think of a solution.
She put on her dad voice. “Well, I guess since baby is only wet… she doesn’t really need a change.”
Etna frowned slightly. She did want out of this diaper, but at the same time she didn’t want to be ‘changed’ by any one… especially Laharl. Why if word of… *pain* Etna suddenly hugged her stomach as she felt her innards flip flop.
“Mom told dad that she would take care of it… She knew that if baby’s diaper wasn’t changed soon, things would get worse.”
A deep look of displeasure chiseled across Laharl’s face. “Are you… threatening me?” he asked like it was some type of joke. Flonne looked a bit more worried now as she looked around the ceiling for the voice. Laharl was angry(er) now. “That really sounded like you were threatening me!” he said in disbelief.
“Don’t…” Etna said suddenly grabbing the hem of his apron.
A little thunder left and Laharl looked away from the ceiling to Etna who had a hand clutching at her stomach, and another at his apron.
“Don’t argue… please… just change me…” she begged. Pride be damned, her insides felt like they were bubbling, and she was quite sure she knew how it would get ‘worse’.
“Mom told dad that she would take care of it… She knew that if baby’s diaper wasn’t changed soon, things would get worse.”
Laharl swore under his breath and looked at the ceiling angrily. He was about to say something but he felt Etna’s hand tighten its grip on his apron. He hissed and looked at Flonne.
“I’ll take care of it…” he spat.
Etna let out a gasp as her insides seemed to right themselves. She let go of Laharl and just clutched at her stomach, easing off the pain.
“Thanks honey!” Flonne said, sighing in relief.
“Dad went to sit in his favorite chair while Mom went and got a clean diaper for baby.”
A big recliner fell out of the ceiling and ungracefully thudded on the floor. Flonne smiled and did a silly walk to the chair, making a show of sitting in it like a proud father would. This was such a fun game.
Laharl stood still with his eyebrows furrowed. Demon Lords did not play games like this. He glared at Etna, who had practically backstabbed him. Making him stand down to someone openly threatening him… so what if she was the victim of said threat… It was his pride here, not hers!
A changing table and a basket of supplies fell out of the ceiling next. It spooked both Laharl and Etna who had been lost in their own thoughts.
“The hell is that?” Laharl frowned walking around the table.
“It’s a place to change a diaper!” Flonne smiled. They had them the Celestria nurseries.
Laharl growled and Etna swore, grabbing at her dress as she suddenly found herself flying rear first to the changing table. She was laid on her back.
The stupid happy music changed and the two demons looked around in frustration while Flonne began to giggle and clap her hands.
“This isn’t funny angelbrat,” Etna glared. “I can’t get up!”
“Mom hummed merrily to herself as she changed baby’s diaper.”
A big fluffy white diaper flew up from the basket and landed in Laharl’s hands. His eyes went wide a moment as he looked at the diaper and then at Etna. “Uh…”